I am a child of God but I curse a lot

Basically the title sums it all up. I don’t like to classify myself as religious but spiritual instead. I have a very strong faith in God and there’s a lot that I am still learning along the way in regards to prayer and the Bible. However, I curse like you wouldn’t believe!

I know some people frown upon the idea of people having such vulgar language. But it’s like I have mentioned before, I know when to use the language, and when not to.

By now it’s a part of my personality. I have a provocative mouth. I don’t mean it to offend anybody because that is never my intention; however, I can’t help that I say fuck and shit, A LOT! Some people will think that it’s not lady like to use such terminology, some will say that it’s a form of expression. I say it’s part of who I am, it won’t change but just know that I know when to curse up a storm and when not to.

I don’t want to be judge based on the fact that I swear in my everyday language just like I don’t want to be judged by the fact that I don’t go to church. We live in a world that is so judgmental and people take offense to almost anything.

I know there’s people that will say that if I am a believer in God that I shouldn’t be using such language. But these are just words. Words of expression. If they are not offending anyone I say fuck it! And to go off of that; if I am not offending anyone, don’t judge me on how I choose to express myself!

The title sums it up best. There’s really not much to elaborate on. Almost like “it is what it is” kind of thing. This is who I am. Sofia Mitchell in her entirety. Take it or leave it!

The not so good moments of life and mental health

So this past month has been one of the worst months yet this year. I’m not sure what the exact cause was, but I started to worry about my mental health and wellbeing. Things like these shouldn’t be ignored and people shouldn’t brush it off. I knew it was an issue when I couldn’t handle situations in a reasonable manner. 

It’s not always easy getting back up after being knocked down, but it is possible. We all have bad times in life that either make us or break us, or both. In my case I guess it broke me first and I am now putting the pieces back together the way I think they should be. But it took me being completely destroyed to realize that I didn’t want to be the way I was. 

It was a bad time in my life but dealing with mental health issues didn’t make it any better. It felt like life was coming at me from two sides and I couldn’t win the fight. I felt like giving up. Like most people, I have had other bad moments in my life but I couldnt seem to get past this. 

I was doing pretty good for quite some time. I felt at peace with everything in my life, I was happy and I felt as though nothing could really bother me or get to me. And then one day *poof* I felt like life knocked me down and I fell face first into the ground. It wasn’t just the fact that I was having a few bad days, I was having bad days that I couldn’t get over and let go. 

I’ve had worse moments in my life where I have been stressed about something or felt as though my life wasn’t going according to plan. This time felt different. For some strange reason it felt so much worse. I felt like I was at ultimate rock bottom with no way up. What’s even worse is that I honestly can’t pin point the event that made my life turn upside down, it truly felt like it happened out of nowhere with no explanation. 

My mood changed incredibly this past month. I have never experienced such bipolar mood swings in my life. I almost feel ashamed for all the people that had to deal with me this past month because this was not normal. It wasn’t me. I didn’t know what was wrong with me.

It started out as a phase of complete and utter anger which then led to a phase of depression. I didn’t want to do anything, I didn’t want to be bothered, I just felt like I was at a low point in life that I didn’t want to deal with. Things that no longer bothered me started to irritate me again. I became angry with people. Everything seemed like it wasn’t working out in my favor and I kept asking what did I do to deserve this? I’m a firm believer in karma and I really had to reevaluate my past to try and figure out what I did that was coming back to bite me in the ass. 

I asked god as well why he was allowing things like this to happen to me. It just seemed like the bad things would not stop and it was one bad event after another and I really couldn’t take it anymore. I remember sitting in my car at a red light and I just started crying and I said once again why is this happening to me. It took a lot for me to make it to my destination safely because at that moment in time I would’ve done anything to no longer be around. 

I do suffer from anxiety and depression which I will speak of in more detail in another post, but I started getting worried because I thought maybe this is another mental health issue and I don’t know how to deal with it. I almost felt possessed because the things I was doing weren’t like me and my reactions seemed drastic when life was throwing punches at me. I couldn’t handle normal disappointments easily. If I really had to look deep into it, maybe it’s a side effect of the anxiety medication which scares me to death because doctors prescribe you these things to get better; however, everything has side effects which may be the cause of this manic phase now that I think about it. 

Not everyone likes to speak about mental health. There’s individuals that I will bring the topic up to and they will tell me that it’s all in my head. I mean technically yes it is in my head because it’s how I feel but it’s more than that. I don’t want to diagnose myself because I don’t need to worry more about it, but my mood wasn’t normal. 

I had become so angry that I began lashing out at people and holding grudges. Everything made me mad. When the anger turned into depression, I just didn’t care about anything anymore. I felt worthless and felt as if life wasn’t worth living because nothing seemed right and I couldn’t handle anything that was being thrown my way. 

It took speaking to a few people to shake me from my depression and anger and make me see things in a different way. I felt alone because I thought nobody understood what I was going through. But I wasn’t alone. These same people told me that they have been through it too and that there is a way up from the lows but it starts with me, nobody else. As for mental health, they recommended that I see professionals to be sure that there isn’t other mental health issues that need to be addressed instead of pushing them off to the side and ignoring them. 

I guess what I’m getting at is that yes everybody has bad days, but if you can’t handle small issues in a reasonable manner then there’s an underlying issue at hand that needs to be addressed (mental health). I’m trying to change my ways and become a better individual. I don’t ever want to feel that low again in my life! I figure if I can change the things that I have control over then maybe the uncontrollable events in my life won’t be so bad. However, even with those changes, if I experience another phase like that again then I need to address the underlying issues again. 

I’m praying to god that I don’t have to go through something like that again. I was scared. Scared for myself and scared for those around me. I pray that nobody else has to experience this and if they do please know that there are people who can help. As for people in general, be a kind heart and if somebody needs to talk just listen to them because you never know how much you may be able to help them. 

I am truly grateful that the people I spoke with took the time to listen to what I had to say. Because of them, my life is now getting back on track simply because they helped me see things a different way. I was at my lowest point and they told me that they have been at low points too but they found a way up from rock bottom. If they could do it then I could too! So I am now trying to get back to that state of peace that I was in before because if I’m at peace, everything flows smoothly in my life.

A very important lesson that I learned from all of this is that we all need kind people in our lives. Love will go a lot further than hate ever will. So if you can’t find a good person, be one! As for mental health, if you feel like you need help, go seek it from a professional or simply talk to a trusted friend. It helps greatly! Let’s try to understand instead of judge. More love, less hate. ❤️️

I’ll take the rain; you can keep the sunshine

For as long as I can remember, I always took comfort in cloudy, gloomy, and rainy days and I never understood why. I used to ask myself if that made me a depressed person becaused I liked rain better than sunshine. Now that I put more thought into it, no it doesn’t make me a depressing person, the rain relaxes me and makes me feel at peace.

I never realized just how peaceful the rain was. When you take the time to sit quietly and listen to the rain falling you’ll know what I mean. There’s something about water in general that’s very relaxing to the mind and that’s probably why I love the rain so much. 

I remember a few years ago I would download apps that would play nature sounds and I used to love listening to the sound of rain falling. It would help me fall asleep especially. But nothing compares to the actual thing. Not only is it relaxing, it’s also a breath of fresh air. 

If you’re a true rain lover like me, you can sense it in the air when it’s going to rain. You can also smell the rain in the air too. Of course nobody likes the rain when you have to leave the house for work or school, but when you have the chance to be at home while it’s raining, it’s seriously the best feeling ever. 

When I was younger, whenever I’d wake up in the morning I’d look for clouds. Most of the time cloudy weather meant rain and I loved that. It was the best feeling of peace that you could feel within yourself when the rain would fall and it felt like it was “washing away” your troubles and bringing you back to purity. Don’t get me wrong I do love sunshine, but I prefer the rain. ❤️️

Pushing your product in times of need

I recently saw a post on Instagram that really made me sick to my stomach. This isn’t to bash the company itself because I’m sure they don’t promote that kind of selling behavior, but I was not pleased with the individual who posted this.

There are many people in today’s day that are self employed. There is nothing wrong with that; however, there are times when you really need to sit back and ask yourself “is this an appropriate time to try and push my product to people?”. 

As I was scrolling through my news feed I saw an It Works distributor post a picture that read something along the lines of “in times of flood disasters, your meal plan went right out the window so why not use this as an opportunity to start fresh with our products while rebuilding your home from the flood damage”. 

First of all, in times of natural disaster, what in the hell makes you think people are thinking about how to diet properly?? Let’s be serious! If your home got hit by a flood the only thing running through your mind is what are the next steps to ensure safety of your family, not what product you’re gonna use to lose a couple pounds. 

Second, what makes you think people are thinking about buying diet products while rebuilding their damaged homes?? I’m pretty sure their focus is on buying materials needed to clean and repair their homes, not buying products to make them lose weight. 

I was utterly disgusted at this post; normally I would’ve said something but I just unfollowed the individual. As a distributor you should be asking yourself if that was an appropriate time to try and sell your products. I don’t think it was. Instead, why not help the victims by sending them toiletries or other things that they may be in need of? Not try and sell them your products.

I really can’t believe that we live in a world where all people care about is money! Again, this is not to bash the company, I’m sure not all distributors are like this, but as a company, you shouldn’t allow this kind of selling behavior from your people. 

And for the rest of the distributors out there, please don’t ever allow yourself to be this selfish in times of natural disasters. It’s really heartbreaking to see that kind of behavior where all people care about is pushing their product even in times of need when people aren’t even thinking about their diets! 

For the sake of humanity, let’s all learn to come together in times of need and not be selfish. We are all human, I think it’s time to start taking care of one another. 💜

God’s Timing is Perfect

Yes, perfect! Last week was a little rough for me. Everything just seemed to be going against me and nothing working out in my favor so I was pretty upset. 

One night as I was laying in bed before falling asleep, I started rambling on asking God why does it feel like my life is a mess? I mocked the phrase “God’s timing is perfect” stating that it felt like it was never the right time for anything to work out in my life. 

I’m pretty sure I rambled on about that very phrase for way too long but at that moment in time, it’s how I felt. Because I just so happen to be one of those adults who hasn’t completely gotten their shit together, sometimes I feel, lost. I was angry because it seemed like nothing was going right last week. It wasn’t just a bad day, it was an entire bad week. 

I ended my prayer, or lack there of, on a bit of a bitter note. Mocked that phrase one more time and eventually fell asleep. Even though I am fully aware that things are meant to happen when God wants them to, I was so upset I couldn’t control my anger and pretty much lashed out through my prayer, or rambling actually. I say prayer because even though it didn’t feel like one, it was answered as one. 

The next day I woke up and got ready for work as usual. I wasn’t running late but for some reason felt the need for speed. As I got on the highway, I took off. The car in front of me was speeding too so of course I had to keep up with them. As I’m driving, I see a strange outline but thought nothing of it. I didn’t have my glasses on like I should while driving so I couldn’t see a clear picture of what it was, that is until I was 10ft away from it. 

It was a state trooper. I was going 80 and thought to myself I am so screwed. I slammed on my brakes as I saw the trooper take off from his hiding spot. Much to my surprise, he started following the car in front of me who was also speeding and pulled them over. I sat for a moment speechless in my car when I realized what just happened. At that very moment in time, yes, God’s timing was perfect. 

That was his way of gently reminding me to calm the fuck down and stop stressing over things in my life because I have a timeline that God already has planned for me, and therefore I should let it play out. That is, let it play out the way he wants it to. 

I can almost certainly guarantee you that I will have another moment where I mock that phrase again. Not on purpose, but because I’m human. I don’t always understand God’s ways and there’s going to be times when it might not make any sense to me, but it’s happening for a reason. Patience is key. 

Father’s Day, NOT Single Mother’s Day

I am probably going to get a lot of shit for this one, but I really don’t care. Today is Father’s Day, NOT single Mother’s Day. That means today is the day we appreciate fathers as the title of the holiday implies, or so I thought.

It really upsets me to see bitter single mothers try and claim Father’s Day as their own day too. Rude awakening: you are not a father! If you are a single mother, you just take on a little more responsibility as a MOTHER. And you had your day on Mother’s Day so why do you feel the need to claim Father’s Day too and take away from the real meaning of the day?

“But I had to be a mother and a father to my child”. Let’s be real, you cannot play both roles. You can only be a really good mother or a really good father. There are things that you can only teach as a mother and only teach as a father. Can you teach your child things from a man’s perspective? No you can’t only a man can do that. Just like there are certain things that only a woman can teach her children.

In my honest opinion, mothers who try and claim Father’s Day as their own are bitter women who won’t admit that they made a mistake with the man they chose to sleep with and had his child. So they want recognition for having to raise the child on their own as a single parent. Well, I’m truly sorry that the father of your child did not want to stick around after he got you pregnant, but you trying to claim what is not yours takes away from the fathers who are doing their jobs.

While no human is perfect, you have to give credit to the men who are trying. Maybe those men didn’t have a father of their own and therefore are trying to be the best father they can be to their child. Or maybe they did have a father but were determined to be a better father if theirs wasn’t able to give them much growing up.

So with that being said, again in my personal opinion, by single mothers trying to claim Father’s Day and expect their child to honor that, what kind of message are you sending to your child? First, it may inspire them to be a better man if their father wasn’t present which I would hope happens but it isn’t always guaranteed. Second, it could send the message that it’s ok to get a woman knocked up and not be around for the kid because they can handle being single mothers which is a terrible message!

Children need both figures, mother and father, in their lives. Single fathers don’t try and claim Mother’s Day as their own, they can’t play that role. Just like single mothers cannot play the role of a father, you just can’t! You are either a really good mother, or a really good father. Stop trying to take away from the real fathers. Men don’t get enough credit as it is so let them have their day!

I’m sure this post will feel like an insult to a lot of single mothers but here’s what I say to that: as a woman, you should’ve been a little smarter about who you were having sex with knowing you were at risk to become pregnant. While it may be his fault for not using protection, it is surely your fault for allowing him to have sex with you unprotected.

I truly feel that because men don’t get enough credit for the good things they do, they think why bother if no one is going to acknowledge it. Start giving credit where credit is due. So on that note, I am going to go wish my father a happy Father’s Day!

I have to keep going, no matter what!

The title speaks for itself; however, there is so much more behind it. I’m still not sure what to make of it but I’m sure I’ll find out.

Today I was having a conversation with someone and we were speaking of careers and what kind of job I will be able to get. Even though I hold a bachelors degree I wasn’t able to find employment in my field right after graduating. No big deal, I’m sure I’m not the only one. I am however completing a paid internship that will give me experience; that has to count for something.

Well this person’s words of encouragement, or lack there of were, “you are the only person I know who went to school for a major they can’t find a job in”. Well excuse the fuck out of me! My field of study requires that I have a higher education which is what I am working towards right now.

In order to be a health educator, many places require a masters degree to be considered for employment. Makes sense. Which I am perfectly fine with, I mean that is why I am still in school. Once I have my masters degree, I can look for jobs as a health educator and start my career doing what I went to school for.

I explained this to the person I was speaking with, their response, “ok so you are wasting your time going to school to work a job that pays minimum wage. Yeah you’re gonna do so great”. At this point I was annoyed so I tried to explain myself one last time.

Unfortunately many jobs that are helpful to our community are sometimes underpaid. That may be the case for a health educator but for those that really know me, will know that I don’t care about the money. I have said for many years that as long as my basic needs are met with the job that I have, I don’t care how much it pays because my ultimate goal is to make a difference doing what I love to do.

So I tried to tell this person that there’s more that I want to do besides just work. There are many projects I want to do aside from a 9 to 5 that if successful enough I could bring in additional income. And a 9 to 5 is not my end game, I do have goals for bigger things that again, if successful enough, I could have a higher income while still doing what I love to do and what I went to school for. This person insisted that everything I said was absolute bullshit and told me this is why they don’t like having this conversation with me.

At this point my blood is boiling. Now again, the people that know me know I try to stay humble and not judge others. But who the fuck are you to criticize what I’m doing when you have no further education than an associates degree and you are making no effort to further your education or move up in your current place of employment?? Unless you are in my shoes doing what I am doing you will not understand. *end of judgmental rant*

No but seriously, unless people are in your shoes or pretty close to it, they will not get it no matter how you explain it. And sometimes the best thing you can do is just ignore them. Were those words hurtful? Well yeah, but what I choose to do after hearing them is what defines me. I’m sure I’m not the only one whose been abused verbally.

It’s unfortunate that people are like that, but use it to motivate you to do better. People hate to see you doing better than them, and I’m not just talking about money. And hey, maybe you are happy where you are with your life right now, but that doesn’t give you the right to criticize others and what they are doing just because you think differently.

At the end of the day, maybe I’m not where I want to be but at least I’m working towards something. I could be a bum or a drug addict or an alcoholic and not give two shits about my life and be at complete rock bottom but I’m not! And again doesn’t that count for anything?!

You have no idea how many times I want to just throw my hands up in the air and wave that white flag of surrender, but I don’t. You don’t know how many times I want to just give up, but I don’t. I have my bad days when life seems not worth living for when I am just too overwhelmed with negativity to even want to continue, but I do. Even on my worst days, deep down there’s a glimmer of hope that keeps me going even when I wish it would all end. I have to keep going for me, for the ones who believe in me, and the ones who look up to me.

This is my journey; I have to keep going no matter what!
Sofia 💖

One year after graduation 🎓

Today marks the one year anniversary of me graduating college. It will forever be a day that I will always remember because it was a day that I always dreamed about. 

Exactly one year later where am I? Well, I’m employed (paid internship), I’m in grad school furthering my education, and I’m not in jail so I guess I’m doing pretty damn good! While I am doing better than I was a year ago, I’m still nowhere near where I want to be, BUT I’m definitely on the right path.

I am now 26 and hoped to be established with a career, owning a home, starting a family and living the adult dream. Well as life would have it out for me, I couldn’t find a job right after I graduated and continued to work retail in the mall (and still do on occasion).

I came across a great program called AmeriCorps which is like a paid internship and I get the experience needed to find a “real” job. I work for the hospital as a financial counselor and I am certified to enroll people in health insurance through the marketplace. I am more than halfway through my term as of right now and I am still learning many things as I go about each day on the job.

Because the field of work that I am interested in, health education, many professions require you to hold a masters degree to be considered for employment. So with that being said, I had to look into grad school. While I personally never wanted to continue with my education, the more frustrated I got because I couldn’t find a job, the more I began to realize that a masters degree was going to be an essential part of my resume. 

I took the first semester off (bad decision). I started classes this past January and have now officially completed my first semester of grad school! 

This is the highest GPA I have ever had in my life! While I am very smart, I am also very lazy and that can sometimes affect my scores on assignments and tests. BUT I know what to do different for next semester and will aim for a higher GPA. 

As for the rest of my adult dreams, well, I’m not established yet so no I don’t own a home or have the newest car or have little babies running around (no rush). We all have different journeys in life and while some may think that I’m very far behind in “starting my life” everybody encounters different obstacles. While I do agree that if I would have focused a little more in my younger years maybe I could have been set, but that doesn’t change the things that are out of my control like job availability. 

I’m on the right path and honestly that’s all that matters at this point. I’m a little wiser now and understand that once I’m able to start my career everything else is going to fall into place no matter how long that takes. So while many people are already living the dream, I’m still working towards it. 

One year has passed since I reached a very important milestone in my life. I’m not where I want to be but thank god I am not worse off! So my advice to you, it takes time! If you are on the right path you are doing good! As a few people have told me, life is a journey not a competition. Enjoy the journey! 

Sofia 💜

Selfies; cocky or confident?

So today, I had an “oh dear god” moment when I looked at my blog page for the first time on a desktop in months. When my page went through major transformation a couple months ago, I used my laptop to make all the changes. All of my posts however, have been posted via iPhone. 

When I wrote a new post after months of being inactive, I wanted to put a picture of myself along with the post just so my readers know what I look like, and continue to look like! Well, it seemed to look fine when I posted it from my phone, but when I opened my blog on a desktop to see what others see, well, oh shit! 

I swear my selfie took up half the page when I opened it! The first thing I thought was “oh god, now everyone is going to think I’m a narcissistic conceited bitch hahaha. Oh man…… But that was not my intention at all! I mean lets be real, we are all supposed to love ourselves right? Maybe not a full page selfie but hey, you live and learn. But then a part of me thinks, who cares if it took up half the page! That’s me! I like taking pictures just like everybody else. And now the world gets to see exactly what I look like, clogged pores up close and all! 

I feel like I should mention that I’m far from conceited; I am human with insecurities but I try not to carry myself like I am hot shit because, well, I’m not. I like to think that we are all equal and each have something unique to bring to the table. 

If I had to describe myself; goofy because life is too short to act like you have a stick up your ass all the time, perverted because why wouldn’t you be in a world full of people who get offended by everything, vocabulary that is fucking atrocious because shit why should I have to hold back how I truly got damn fucking feel, but most importantly, I do have good intentions in my heart. Life is about balance and quite frankly I’d like to think that I have a good balance of kind heart and explicit language. 

With that being said, I know when it’s NOT appropriate to swear up a storm, be goofy and perverted. But for the times when it is, that’s who I am. And on a positive note, cheers to the fucking weekend!

-Sofia 💜

Update

  
Hey everyone! I’m still alive, just been very busy the past few months. I don’t even know where to start! I just wanted to give you all a quick little update on what’s going on with me right now and as time goes on I will hopefully get into a routine of writing more.

Feeling the need to change things up, including starting spring cleaning early this year, I decided to give my blog a makeover. I thought it would be a great way to freshen up the look while starting to get back into the swing of writing again. 

I did end up going back to school last month January, I am now working on my masters in public health. I’m taking classes full time as well as full time work so I’ve been trying to balance everything out and stay sane! 

Although we’ve had a very mild winter this year, the winter months affect my mood (I can’t be the only one) making me very unmotivated to do anything, contributing to my being MIA for so long as well. Winter bums me out! I used to love the changing of seasons but now I’m convinced that I could live on a beach for the rest of my life and not look back. Caribbean anyone?

I’m also working on a few personal projects as well, I will give you guys more insight on that as they progress. I have a lot of things that I wanna get started on and carry out but one step at a time or else I am guaranteed to trip and fall. 

Be patient with me if you are following my journey! I’m working on greatness here. Nothing comes overnight. You truly do need to work for what you want, but in the end it’s worth it! 

– Sofia 💜